Last time I felt like this… was about a little over five years ago.  Though this time it does feel a little different.  But honestly, I can’t compare the two feelings as I’ve forgotten what it was like when in fell in love with my ex.  It’s funny how people fall into and out of love… is there such thing as love?  Really, what is love but a feeling we feel that makes us behave strangely and act irrationally.

There was a great line from the movie “The Last Kiss” talking about love and the feeling of love:

What you feel only matters to you.  It’s what you do to the people you love that counts.

My thoughts are all disjointed and choppy right now… mmm… my post is not making much sense.  I should try to get slome sleep.

Waiting for Friday to come is unbearable.

I hope that through my actions, you’ll get a hint of my feelings.

Okay, enough… I sounded like a pansy, a love-struck teenager, a sappy romantic-at-heart kinda guy. Now quit your smirking and laughing. This isn’t funny to me… this is pretty serious stuff.

“Fools rush in.” I know… I don’t want to be hurt again either. But at the same time, I don’t want to miss an opportunity.

Ack, I’m so confused. I’ve never been good at this and probably never will.

I missed the Superbowl today. Damn work and damn ADSL modem/router!! Damn you to techno-hell!

Okay, I was myself. I kept it all together… I wasn’t pretending to be someone I wasn’t.

You were much more than I remember. Maybe it was because I was still clouded by tentacles from the shadowy past when I first met you. Perhaps it was the dark lighting and loud music that I wasn’t able to get to know you well. It’s moot now.

You were very nice… everything about you was perfect, in my eyes. I felt your aura enveloping my being. You were radiant. Now that my black canvas is beginning to be dotted with emerging stars, yours is glisttering bright. Perhaps a luminous beacon of hope. Where do we go from here?

Do you think you can like me, love me?

Because I think I can like you very much. Love you too. How do I know? Because my heart hasn’t fluttered like this for a long time.

I wrote you an email… I have hit refresh on my Gmail account too many times to count now. I can’t wait to hear back from you.

Am I afraid? Oh yes I am… I’m afraid that you won’t accept me. I’m afraid of you leaving for Toronto. I’m afraid that I’m rushing too fast as I always do. But this time it feels very different. I think we have so much in common… Don’t you think that how we met is almost serendipitous?

I wish you can hear these words of mine. I hope that some fairy or angel can carry these thoughts and feelings into your dreams tonight.

Until our next conversation or meeting… my heart will continue to flutter in anticipation.

I’m finally at peace with being single and with the whole fiasco(s) from last year.

I don’t miss her anymore.  I don’t even care what happens to her and I don’t think I can be her friend.  Goodbye.

I miss my guitar lessons… if only living on my own wasn’t so expensive and time consuming. *sigh*

January went by so fast. Hello February.

I’m meeting a girl, her name is “I“, for coffee on Saturday. Not sure what to expect but I’ll just be myself. Being single is nice so I’m not rushing back into a relationship. These things always happen when you’re not looking for it anyways.

“Good things come to those who wait?” … We’ll see.

I just realized today that I’ve been happy for the last several weeks.

I feel like a brand new person. I don’t know what changed or what happened… maybe it’s because I realize that I have such a good and supportive group of friends, co-workers and family. Even though work has been so busy and the deadlines and work-related commitments never end, I’m still feeling good and happy. Light as air.

Oh my God, I can’t believe this… Is this for real?!

A funny anecdote: My land lady is trying to set me up with somebody. She passed me the girl’s email address and cell phone number yesterday. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this… oh, I met this girl at the wedding a couple weeks back. I honestly can’t remember what she looks like but I remember she was a nice person. But I’m not really in the mood for dating… I quite like this single lifestyle. So much freedom and responsibilities only to myself. I can do whatever I want without having to make comprimises, or fitting it around another person’s schedule. I know it sounds very selfish but this is probably the last chance I get to be selfish and where everything is “Me, myself, and I.” So I guess I should try to enjoy it as much as I can.

Heck, Valentine’s Day is coming and it doesn’t bother me one bit that I’ll be alone this year on Valentine’s. Wow, I feel like a brand new person and I mean it. I guess it also helps that I get glances from girls once in a while… or maybe it’s just my imagination. Yeah, I’m joking! It’s the pimple on my right cheek… lol…

Mmmm… noticed I haven’t written an entry in a while. Mostly just laziness. But I don’t want to sleep or can’t sleep right now. I’m sure I can if I try. Maybe I will when I’m done writing this.

Update since the last entry:

Attended a wedding on the 6th at the Terminal City Club. It was a great test of my social skills as I didn’t know 99.8% of the people there. I had lots of fun and chatted with lots of different people. I don’t think my social skills are that bad but it was a good test. I love weddings; what can I say? I’m a sappy person and a romantic at heart. Dancing to 70’s, 80’s, early 90’s music, awesome. Seriously. I love listening to wedding speeches… always make me teary eyed. Quit your smirking.

Yes I’m still single. Heck, I’m not even divorced yet. That will happen sometime this April. Am I looking forward to it? Yes and no. Yes, because I want to get this over with. No, because it will be difficult.

Do I want to be in a relationship? If the right girl came along. What qualifies as the “right girl?” I don’t know… hence I’m not in a relationship. My mom worries about me being single… hell, the average age for marriages in Canada is 31. And mom, how did the last one work out, eh?   I like this bachelor lifestyle… albeit, not that financially prudent.

Watched two movies over the last couple weekends: Casino Royale and Children of Men. Casino Royale was “ok.” I thought secret agents are supposed to be more sauve and discreet. Not sure if I’m use to this “shoot first and ask questions later” Bond. That said, Daniel Craig was hawt. I wonder if I can get the number for his personal trainer… Children of Men was much better than Casino Royale in my opinion. Really loved how they film was shot using the photo-journalism style (i.e. hand held camera following the action and characters). Clive Owen was my choice for the new Bond but Craig ain’t shabby.

I miss the rain.

Work still sucks most of the time. Can’t wait till I’m done.

Canucks… WOW. Luongo…. we’re not worthy, we’re not worthy.

Superbowl prediction: New England over New Orleans. Say what you want about Brady but the MAN is CLUTCH. Yes, Patriots as the champs again.

Everyone excited about Dine Out Vancouver? I used to be, but not anymore. I’m not sure why. I guess because I can make great dishes at home. I’m kidding. Okay, fine… how about wilted spinach salad drizzled with balsamic vinegar and pancetta crisps? Yes, I made that tonight for dinner. Sounds kinda fancy but honestly, it took about 5 minutes to make and anyone who knows how to turn on the stove can make this. I wish I took a picture of it… maybe next time. I can really cook… how come no one believes me?

Until the next time I can’t sleep.

Watch it.

If you can only rent one movie this week… no wait, this month (or two). Make it this one. I think I’m going to watch tonight *again* and it’s already 3 in the morning. Did I convince you?

How about this… there’s nudity, comedy, drug use… Did I pique your interest?

Seriously, this is a really good movie.

Watch it.

Okay, I guess I had too much time over this Christmas/New Year’s break… but I read some of my old postings from last year. My God, they’re depressing and dark (some but not all). And I be damned if I didn’t come off as being down right whiny. So…

“Quit your whining b*tch!”

Or I’ll just have to knock myself out. The past stays in the past, there’s no changing it. Stop living in the past and start living for the future. Take whatever you learned, if you even learned anything, and apply it to the future. I think I’ve spent too much time looking back instead of looking forward… so pretty much I was stuck in limbo for a good chunk of last year.

Anyways, it’s a new year, a fresh sheet and let’s write a happier story with green pastures, white fluffy clouds floating across the sky, birds chirping, and the sun shining brightly. Heck, why not add some faeries and angels sining hallelujah! It’s my damn story and I can write it however it pleases me! Just keep it happy and bright.

Enough of this dark, gloomy, self-pity, blah-blah shit.

Okay, time to get some more work done on my manuscript that’s way overdue.

Edit: Yeah, we beat the Flames… *again!*

I hope you’ll have a new year that’s even better than last year’s!

That’s definitely what I’m hoping for.

New Year’s resolution… work harder, strive to be a better person, continue to learn.  And most importantly, being optimistic!

Happy New Year everyone!

So I was watching TV tonight and this PAM (spray on “cooking oil”) commercial came on with the song “Missing You.” It’s been so long since I’ve heard this song but it struck a chord with me. They sure don’t produce or write music like this anymore…

Missing You – John Waite

Everytime I think of you, I always catch my breath
And I’m still standing here, and you’re miles away
And I’m wonderin’ why you left
And there’s a storm that’s raging through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinkin’ about you, and it’s almost driving me wild
And there’s a heart that’s breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t missing you at all since you’ve been gone away
I ain’t missing you, no matter what I might say

There’s a message in the wire, and I’m sending you this signal tonight
You don’t know how desperate I’ve become
And it looks like I’m losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I’m trying hard to understand
And it’s my heart that’s breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t missing you at all since you’ve been gone away
I ain’t missing you, no matter what my friends say

And there’s a message that I’m sending out, like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can’t bridge this distance, stop this heartbreak overload

I ain’t missing you at all since you’ve been gone away
I ain’t missing you, no matter what my friends say

I ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you, I can lie to myself
And there’s a storm that’s raging through my frozen heart tonight

Ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you
I ain’t missing you, I can lie to myself
Ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you
I ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you
I ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you, ain’t missing you, oh no
No matter what my friends might say, I ain’t missing you…